Asking your family to help pay for your wedding can cause so much anxiety.
Every wedding is different. You may be in a position where you and your partner want to and can pay for yours yourself. Or, there may have been a precedence set already in your family, where siblings or cousins received some financial help with their weddings, and you are anticipating the same for yourself. Or, maybe there have already been some discussions about what will be given to you if you get married.
No matter what your situation is, bringing up the conversation can be awkward. Asking your family if they want to contribute financially to your wedding can be a tough thing to bring up. Not only are you hoping for a specific answer, but you may also be hoping for a specific amount. On one hand, you want to appreciate whatever you get, but on the other the amount may be the difference between your dream wedding or not.
Tips For Asking Family To Help Pay For Your Wedding
The good news is, there is a right way to bring up this discussion with your family. And I’m using the term “family” loosely. You may have parents, grandparents, foster parents, uncles, aunts, close family friends, or even siblings who may want to help pay for your wedding. To make it easier to write about, they are all considered “family” in this sense.
No matter what the situation is, here are some tips to ask if your family is willing to contribute financially to your wedding:
GO INTO THE CONVERSATION WITH ZERO EXPECTATIONS
Before you ask your family if they want to help pay for your wedding, you’ll need to set your mind right.
As mentioned above, it’s totally normal to dread going this conversation. Asking your family for money may bring with it a lot of emotions, memories, and general discomfort. This is why it’s super important to have the right frame of mind before you talk with your family.
YOUR FAMILY DOESN’T HAVE TO HELP PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING
To have the right mind frame, first tell yourself that you are not entitled to any financial contribution from others for your wedding. Yes, even if they gave your siblings money. Even if they told you at one point that they would pay for your wedding. Those situations were in the past, and you are in the here and now.
BE THANKFUL FOR ANY AMOUNT
Second, you’ll need to tell yourself that if your family does give you money for your wedding, you will accept the amount with grace and appreciation. This is true even if you feel your family can afford to give you more. Just because they are financially well off does not mean that they have to give it away for a wedding. It may seem unfair, depending on what the situation is, but no one owes you a wedding. You may even want to enter the conversation with the mindset that they aren’t going to contribute anything at all.
WHY MINDSET IS IMPORTANT
Setting your mind right before asking your family to help pay for your wedding is crucial. Having zero expectations, being prepared to gratefully accept any amount, and understanding that you may be turned down will make you appear mature and thankful.
COME PREPARED AHEAD OF TIME
Once you’ve got your mind right before you ask your family for money, it’s time to get prepared for the actual conversation.
Now, understand that the best time to ask your family about financial contributions is early on in the wedding planning process, before any major decisions are made. This way, you’ll understand what’s within your budget and not.
GO OVER YOUR VISION WITH YOUR PARTNER
In order to get prepared, you’ll first have to a little preliminary wedding planning. Speak with your partner about the kind of wedding you’d both like to have. Discuss who you’ll invite, how big you want it to be, and where your ideal venue is. Start to map out a wedding that you’d be able to afford, without any other financial contributions.
RESEARCH COSTS
Once you have a vision for what your wedding may look like, do some research about what it could cost. Also, determine what you would be able to contribute yourselves to your wedding budget. This will help you figure out how much you may need from other sources in order to have your dream wedding. This will also aid in the conversation if your family offers to pay for a certain element of your wedding, such as photography or a wedding dress. You’ll be prepared to tell them what the ideal budget would be for that item.
DETERMINE TIMELINE
It’s important to note the timeline of when you would need to spend money on your wedding. Many vendors take a deposit up front, and the rest of payments are on or near the wedding day. Other items, like clothing, are bought while engaged. Understanding when you would need financial contributions will help your families make an informed decision about gifting you money.
PRACTICE ASKING FAMILY TO HELP PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING
Once you feel prepared for what the ask would be, for what, and when, it may be worthwhile to practice your conversation with your partner before approaching your families. A little role playing may help you feel comfortable and ready for any questions that may be thrown at you.
ACTUALLY ASKING YOUR FAMILY TO HELP PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING
Once you’re totally prepared with the details, it’s time to actually ask your family if they will help pay for your wedding.
Now, this is a conversation that would ideally be done in person. Texting and emailing these types of requests may seem immature and impersonal. A phone call or video chat may be alright, but in person is the way to go to set the tone.
GIVE YOUR FAMILY THE HEADS UP
Before you have this talk with your family, let them know that you’d like to go over some wedding related details when you meet. They may also come prepared to the visit, knowing this subject will come up. In most situations, it’s completely fair for you to start discussing details about your wedding with your family early on. They may be expecting to be involved in other ways, such as traveling, setting up, walking you down the aisle, and the list can go on and on.
MAKE SURE THE TIME IS RIGHT
When you do meet with your family, make sure everyone is feeling good. Asking for financial contributions is not really something that should be brought up during a stressful moment. A relaxed and pleasant time is the best time. You may or may not want your partner there, too, depending on your situation. Sometimes money can be a very private matter to people, and your family may not feel comfortable talking about it with anyone but you.
HOW TO ACTUALLY MAKE THE ASK
To start off the conversation, you may want to tell them what your vision is for your wedding. Let them know what you’ve talked about with your partner. You can tell them how much you and your partner are going to contribute to your budget as well.
After that, you can bring up what they may want to contribute with a question that goes like this:
“We aren’t expecting anything, and respect your decision about how to proceed, but we want to plan our wedding properly with all the details available. Are you planning on contributing?”
You can also elaborate further if you’d like. Tell them how excited you are for the wedding, and how much it would mean to you if they helped out. Let them know you’re ready to get into wedding planning, so this is why you’re bringing up money early on. Discuss any gaps that you may have with your vision and budget. You may want to also reference any conversations you’ve had in the past about financial contributions.
HOW TO TAKE IT IF THEY DECLINE TO HELP PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING
If your family declines to help pay for your wedding, take the news with grace and respect. Chances are that they have their reasons for declining, and you’ll have to accept it. However, if they do tell you that they’d like to help you out financially, you’ll have to figure out some logistics together.
DETERMINE ALL THE LOGISTICS FOR FAMILY TO HELP PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING
So your family has agreed to help pay for your wedding. Yay! That’s great news.
The bad news is that you’ll have to figure out what that means. Essentially, they will have to come up with a rough number of what they plan to gift you. You may have to be transparent about what you were hoping for to help them out. Discussing exact numbers will allow you to plan your wedding with more ease. Luckily for you, you’ve done some research. You’ll be able to speak with confidence about what weddings cost, and how that plays into your own wedding vision.
HOW WILL THEY ACTUALLY TRANSFER FUNDS?
You will also have to bring up with your parents how the finances will be gifted. You don’t have to determine this all in one preliminary conversation, but you will eventually have to figure out how things will get paid for. Will your families hand vendors their credit cards? Will they transfer money into your account and you can use it as you wish? Are there certain things that they want to pay for, and do they know how much those things cost?
Nothing has to be committed to in perfection all at once, but make sure your family knows there will be follow up items later on that you’ll bring up when you need to.
GO OVER WHAT IT MEANS TO HELP PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING
You may have an idea of how this is going to go, as you know your family very well, but it’s important to bring up one very important matter if your family will contribute financially to your wedding.
ARE STRINGS ATTACHED?
Now, you probably know what this means. If they gift you money, will your family expect to be able to have decision making authority over your wedding? And, will you let them? Depending on your family, they may have a very different opinion of your wedding than you do. This could completely get in the way of you having your dream wedding, which isn’t really fair to you as the person getting married. Your family may have opinions as big as where you get married, and who to invite, all the way down to the colors of your linens.
Or, their involvement may be much more subtle and absolutely okay with you. Including your family in things like dress shopping, venue visits, and cake tasting may be a fun way to include them in the wedding planning, especially if they are helping to pay.
So, take some time to talk to your family about what this money means. You may find that it’s not worth taking if you end up with a wedding that you aren’t happy with.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Alright friends. Hopefully you’re fully prepared to ask your family to help pay for your wedding. It’s all about being mature, having limited expectations, and accepting what you get. It’s also about looking into how it will all work, and what it ultimately means to your wedding. Do what’s right for you, your partner, and your vision.
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