Head up – you’ll be coordinating with the parents of kids who are in your wedding, if you choose to have a flower girl or ring bearer.
Though we didn’t have kids in our wedding, I do think it’s super cute when kids are in weddings. They are all dressed up, maybe a little wrinkly, or dirty. They may have hair that has been done and fixed over and over. Often, they are so young they need a lot of coaching on their role, which usually consists of nothing more than walking down an aisle holding something.
When the flower girls and ring bearers accomplish their task of walking without a hitch, everyone smiles. When they mess up and run off or forget they are being watched, everyone laughs. It’s so cute!
Of course, this is all at the end of lots of coordination and planning. And, that planning won’t be done with the kids themselves. It’ll be done with the parents of the kids in your wedding. Depending on the parents, this may be easy to do, or more difficult. Either way, there will be some things to work out.
Coordinating with Parents of Kids Who Are In Your Wedding
There are no hard and fast rules about the expectations of the parents of kids in weddings. However, there may be some common sense that applies, and decisions to be made. Both the couple getting married and the parents need to agree on things like paying for attire, transportation, and timing of it all. This can get tricky, so this post is filled with advice for you.
Let’s get into it!
DECIDING ON THE CHILDREN’S ATTIRE
For some reason, this can be a super hot topic when you have a kid in your wedding. Their parents may have opinions about what their child should wear. These opinions may not fit with your vision of your wedding.
THE ISSUE THAT MAY COME UP
Because parents and those getting married can both have strong opinions about what a flower girl or ring bearer wears, it can create some friction. On one hand, the parents of the kids in your wedding know their children. They know what will fit, what will stay on, and what the child will find uncomfortable.
On the other hand, it’s your wedding. You probably want the kids to match what you’re wearing, or with the aesthetic of your wedding. Of course, you want the kids to be comfortable, but there’s a bigger picture going on for you.
Because both of you will have opinions, and both have a right to those opinions, it can create some drama.
HOW TO COORDINATE WITH PARENTS OF KIDS IN YOUR WEDDING ON THIS
The best way to make sure everyone is happy with what the kids in your wedding are wearing is to decide up front to work together.
Of course, this can be easier said than done. So, when you ask a parent if they agree to have their child in your wedding, plan ahead. Tell them that you’ll give them a few options for what the child can wear, and they get to pick the one that they feel works the best for their kid. And, this may include more than a dress or suit. It also means accessories and shoes.
DECIDING WHO WILL PAY FOR THE CHILDREN’S ATTIRE
Ahh, money. Inevitable, this conversation is bound to come up if you are having kids in your wedding. Who is supposed to pay for their outfits?
THE ISSUE THAT MAY COME UP
Just to be clear, traditional rules state that the parents of flower girls and ring bearers will pay for their outfits. However, tradition states a lot of things that our society no longer follows. For example, tradition states that the bride’s family pays for the wedding, and most weddings do not follow this. So, there can be room for some interpretation here.
HOW TO COORDINATE WITH PARENTS OF THE KIDS IN YOUR WEDDING ON THIS
My suggestions are almost always the path of least resistance.
If the parents of the kids in your wedding offer to pay for their clothes, you can let them. Or, if you have it in your budget, offer to split the cost with them. If you’re feeling very comfortable financially, offer to pay for most of the outfit and accessories, if they buy the shoes. In the grand scheme of things, flower girl and ring bearer attire is not going to be the most expensive part of your wedding. Paying a little extra towards it to keep the peace may be the best option.
As with any conversation about money, it’s best to discuss how it will work very early on with the parents of the kids in your wedding. Like, right after they agree to let their kid be in your wedding. And, remember that whoever pays will probably feel more entitled to make the final call on what they are actually buying. Just food for thought.
AGREEING TO WHICH PRE-WEDDING EVENTS THE KIDS IN YOUR WEDDING SHOULD ATTEND
There are a lot of pre-wedding events that couples and their wedding party are expected to attend, but what about the kids in the wedding?
While it’s unlikely to invite a child to a bachelor or bachelorette party, the kids or their parents may receive invitations to the bridal shower and engagement party. And, of course it’s ideal for a flower girl and ring bearer to be at a rehearsal and maybe the rehearsal dinner.
THE ISSUE THAT MAY COME UP
Events can be a lot for a child, and their parents, to deal with. There may be some conversations needed to talk about what is actually essential attendance and what’s okay for the child to skip.
As any parent knows, it can be a lot to coordinate travel and schedule changes for a child, especially if they are very young. However, these won’t be ongoing requests of the parents, and being in a wedding means actually participating in the wedding. Including the pre-wedding events.
HOW TO COORDINATE WITH PARENTS OF THE KIDS IN YOUR WEDDING ON THIS
As with most things kids-related, it’s best to communicate the plans and expectations for their attendance at events as early as possible. And, the expectations should be realistic.
Depending on the kid’s age, they may nap during the day or go to bed early. They may not live near the event and it can be difficult for their parents to get them there by certain times. So, if it’s essential that they attend a certain event, like a rehearsal, you should coordinate with the parents of the kids in your wedding on the timing of it so the child can attend.
A NOTE ABOUT REHEARSALS
It may be very important to you that any kids in your wedding attend the rehearsal. However, keep in mind that if the kids are less than 18 months old, they won’t have much memory of the rehearsal later on. And, they aren’t likely to follow instructions very well. So, their attendance at the rehearsal may not be that important.
For older kids and toddlers, the practice may be really beneficial. The kids will be more comfortable when they know what to expect, where they will be, and what they are supposed to do. Young children love repetition, so the practice will be fun for them and give them a good sense of the big day.
These are just some notes of advice, if you’re trying to decide how essential it is that a kid in your wedding attends the rehearsal.
CREATING THE DAY-OF SHEDULE FOR THE KIDS IN YOUR WEDDING
As anyone who has been in a wedding knows, the schedule on a wedding day can be jam packed with activities. And, while this can be a lot for even the most energetic adults, it can be catastrophic for a little kid.
THE ISSUE THAT MAY COME UP
Children love their routines and schedules, and they require a lot of activity and rest periods. Many of them still need to take a daily nap, or at least quiet time, to regroup. And, wedding day activities may not always allow for that at the right time for the child.
There can be competing priorities, too, when couples plan out their schedule and then share it with the parents of the kids in the wedding. The couples are likely planning what makes the most sense for the wedding. They are looking at a logical sequence of activities, and then creating their timeline accordingly. This means that photos, the ceremony, and other events will need the flower girl or ring bearer there at a specific time.
That timeline may not always work for the kids who are there, though. It may conflict with meal times or nap times, or other child-related needs that may come up. And, if there is a glaring conflict with the child’s and the wedding’s schedules, the parents are likely to say something.
HOW TO COORDINATE WITH PARENTS OF THE KIDS IN YOUR WEDDING ON THIS
My best piece of advice on this is to work with the parents of the kids in your wedding on the timeline, before you communicate it out to the broader group.
Create a timeline, and then show it to them. Tell them when and where their child will need to be, and hear them out if they raise a concern. See if you can move photos around, or adjust the timing of something else, to accommodate the kid’s routine, if needed. It will make everyone a lot more comfortable and happier if you’re able to be flexible.
MORE ON THE WEDDING DAY SCHEDULE
Some wedding events may count on the kids in your wedding to be present. However, there are plenty that the child will be able to skip out on. This may mean that their parents leave the wedding early with their kid. Or, they may have a trusted adult pick the child up so they can enjoy the rest of the wedding.
I suggest that the people getting married be very flexible with how the parents handle the presence of themselves, and the child, after the ceremony. They will choose to do what’s best for their child. And, if that means that the child stays until the end, or leaves, the people getting married should be supportive of it.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
So there you have it, friends. Unfortunately, having a child in your wedding can be more than just a simple request. It’s an agreement between adults, and there will be some coordination to take care of. Luckily, with some foresight and a little flexibility, having a flower girl or ring bearer can be an awesome experience for everyone involved. Happy wedding planning!
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