Eloping: A How-To Guide

Are you and your partner thinking about eloping?  Let’s go over how to do it, the right way!

In case you’re not sure what an elopement is, let me explain.  Eloping is when a couple decides to get married in a small private ceremony without a lot of fanfare. The guest count is typically twelve people or less.  Often others are informed of the marriage after it actually becomes official.  There may or may not be guests at all, in fact.  Also, many traditional elements are missing from the ceremony (and perhaps the reception, if there is one).  

ELOPING: A HOW TO GUIDE

Prior to recent years, elopement seemed to be this whole thing where you get married in secret.  This may have been because your family disapproved of your partner, you were pregnant, or perhaps you were running away from something. It definitely has had some sneaky connotations to it. I think a lot of that has changed today, for a variety of reasons.

Eloping is pretty common now due to the costs of weddings and personal preferences. The fact that everything can be recorded and broadcasted online helps.  Plus with this global pandemic we are currently in, elopements are much more popular than they used to be.  Additionally, “traditional” weddings are becoming less and less common.  This seems to point to more acceptance for spins on tradition and changes to the status quo. 

In short, these days most people will understand if a couple wants to elope.  And unless they are of the closest friends and family, there will be no hurt feelings.

For the purposes of this post, I’ll go over the advice I want to give about planning an elopement that is not immediately followed by a reception.  Yes, some couples have a private ceremony and then a larger reception right afterward that same day.  However, to keep the advice focused I’d like to go over the situation where you have the ceremony, but do not host a large party that day.   

So, if you want to elope, follow the advice below and everything will work out great:

Look Into Laws

This is a huge factor with regards to when and how you can get married. 

For example, in California you must get married within 60 days from when you applied for your marriage license, and the license must be sent back within a certain amount of time from when you have your ceremony.  Depending on where you are, you may be required to have a certain number of witnesses, or an officiant that has received their qualifications from a specific place.

Additionally, if you are traveling out of state or country to get married (or sometimes even out of county), you may want to check with the local courthouse where you live to see if you are missing anything.  Say you are from Texas but decide to get married in France, your local municipality may be able to point out some details you will need to take care of in France so everything is legal when you get back to Texas.  

A large number of other factors can play into the validation of your marriage and this isn’t really something you want to find out after the fact, so do some up front research to make sure you aren’t surprised later on.

Decide An Officiant

With the exception of just a few locations, you really can’t get married unless someone officiates the wedding.

Who would you like to be your officiant?  You can ask a professional, or a friend, or a family member.  If you ask someone who has never officiated before you’ll have to do some research about the requirements where you live (per state or country), to make sure they are properly qualified on the big day. 

When it comes to an officiant, I suggest asking someone who you either trust, respect, or was recommended by a reputable source.  Officiants need to be more than just certified, they need to be reliable to ensure your wedding paperwork is properly communicated with the right municipalities, and they need to have great listening skills to help you execute the ceremony of your dreams. They also need to be reliable and available.  It’s not a small ask.  

For an elopement, the ceremony is a huge deal as a reception isn’t necessarily going to follow, so it can be argued that the officiant plays an even bigger role in your wedding day than the regular type of wedding.  Make sure you go with someone who makes you very confident in the choice of asking them to be there with you.  

Narrow Your Guest List

As with any wedding, you’ll need to decide who is (or isn’t) there.

For a small elopement (typically 12 or less), go with the essentials in your life. The people who you absolutely couldn’t imagine getting married without.  Honestly, maybe this is just your partner.  Maybe this includes your parents or immediate family.  Perhaps it’s a smaller group of close friends.  What this looks like will be different for everyone, but you’ll know what’s right for you.

I do suggest that you inform anyone who will be hurt by not being invited that you intend to elope before you actually go through with it.  Give them a call, send them a letter, have a virtual meeting (or face to face, if you are able).  Just be sure to let them know in a meaningful way your reasons for getting married without their presence.  Perhaps they will be honored to be involved in your wedding in another way, like helping to plan a larger reception later (more on that below), or will feel better when you promise to immediately send them pictures or video after the wedding. 

Hopefully those who are not invited understand that you are doing what you feel is best for your relationship and situation, and the guests that you do invite feel incredibly cherished by you and your partner.  

Pick A Venue

This one might be easy, or it can be more complicated.

Perhaps a courthouse is fine with you. Or maybe you want something more beautiful, like a park or mountainside. If you have a small wedding, you can really have a lot of options. As with any wedding, my suggestion is to pick a place that has a “rainy weather” back up in case the weather doesn’t cooperate, and one that can have chairs or allow any guests to stand comfortably. 

The nice thing about a very small wedding is that you can logistically hold your ceremony at so many places that would be off limits to a larger crowd.  A family home, your own backyard, a local park, or even a beach may be available to you.  Choose a place that is both meaningful to you and will be logistically easy for you arrange.   

Pick A Date

Since you’re not going crazy with the guest list, you have flexibility with setting the date.  It’s a huge benefit when you don’t have to compete with other people’s schedules, and you can customize your wedding date to fit you and your partner. Maybe it’s more convenient for you to get married on a Tuesday than on a Saturday.  Or you want to get married on a particular date that is meaningful to you both, like an anniversary or holiday. When you’re eloping, you can choose the date that is right for you.  

ELOPING DETAILS

Even though you’re having a small wedding, it does not necessarily mean you’ll forgo hiring vendors.  There are definitely a few that you can’t avoid (like an officiant), others you may not want to skip (like a photographer), and some that you may want to consider (like a florist). 

The upside is that with a limited guest list you’ll save money, and if you are getting married in the off-season, or a unique day of week or time of day, you’ll have a bit of wiggle room to negotiate the costs. 

Ceremony

You just have so much flexibility with a small wedding, as I mentioned above. 

Because you don’t have to worry about the coordination of a large group, or possibly time limitations, you and your partner may have the opportunity to truly customize your ceremony experience. 

You may want to incorporate letters to each other.  Perhaps you’ll pronounce special and private vows, too.  You can exchange rings in an unique way, share wine, have a dance, or do something from your heritage.  The sky is the limit to make the ceremony meaningful to you.  There should be no pressure to keep the norms you would see at a “regular” wedding.

Flowers

Just because you’re not having a large wedding doesn’t mean you don’t get to carry a bouquet, have flowers decorate an arbor, or create a beautiful scene of your favorite florals around your ceremony, should you want any of those items.

To save money, you can easily get some flowers from a local garden or store for a DIY project, or may even have a professional put them together for you.  Do what works best for your skill set and comfort level. 

Attire / Hair and Make Up

There are no rules here, except you should look and feel your best on your wedding day.

If you still want to wear a ballgown, go for it. If you see a really gorgeous dress you like at a second hand shop, wear that. I’ve seen people wear jeans at the courthouse. You and your partner get to decide what works best for your situation. Don’t feel like you have to stick to the usual colors and styles, wear what will make you both feel the most special.

Additionally, you may want to hire a professional for your hair and make up if you’re having photographs taken.  Or, maybe you just really want to be pampered the day of your wedding. 

Food / drink

Every celebration should be celebrated with food and beverages, don’t you think?

The nice thing is that this shouldn’t be that complicated since your guest list is small if you’re eloping. Maybe you’re able to go to a restaurant after the ceremony, or a family house where you can order some food or someone cooks a feast. Just make sure to provide for any guests that you may have.  At the very least, have a plan on where everyone will head after the ceremony for refreshments. 

Invitations

For a small elopement, if you have time, go ahead and send invitations! Or create an evite. I do not suggest “texting” your invitees. Make a little effort here, so that they know what’s going on, same as a guest at a regular wedding.

Photography

This is an area where I suggest hiring a professional, no matter how small your wedding is.

In these Covid times, many wedding photographers are available and willing to shoot small weddings.  They tend to take all necessary precautions to avoid exposure to themselves or you, too.  Not only will you not want to miss out on the photos, but your friends and family who are not able to attend will be anxious to see them.  Wedding photographers have such an amazing ability to make even the most simple of weddings seem airy and romantic. 

Along the same note, you may want to look into a videographer who can record or help live stream if you are eloping.  This is very important if you want others to see your ceremony.  If your intention is to have a private time with your partner, of course go ahead and do that.  However, if you really did want a large wedding with lots of witnesses and now just isn’t the time for it, a videographer can be the next best thing if you have it in your budget.

AFTER ELOPING

Yes, you do have the option to elope and move on with your life. 

However, together you may want to form a plan about how you will inform others that you are married.  Will you send out a group text, post to social media, or send out a formal announcement? 

Additionally, will you want to host a larger reception to celebrate with a group? 

This may depend on your reason for eloping.  If you are choosing to elope due to Covid-19, it’s highly possible that you will want to throw a large party at a later date.  Start talking about what this looks like for you as soon as possible.  You’ll want to determine logistics like where you will have the party, and when.  This will help ensure that one day you actually have the celebration.  Plus, if you do send out formal announcements, you can also let the recipients know that a party will be following. 

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Hopefully this helps if you’re thinking about eloping.  Remember, no matter the reason, if you feel in your heart that eloping is the right way for you to have a wedding, trust your gut.  You can always have a larger wedding later on in life if you feel ready for it.  

More From Hummingbird Wedding Advice: 

How To Have A Backyard Wedding With Minimal Issues

6 Pre-Wedding DIY Beauty Treatments (And One To Leave To A Professional)

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