There are just some fiancé red flags that should have you reconsidering things.
Have you ever seen the movie, Ghost? Remember when Whoopie Goldberg tells Demi Moore, “Molly, you’re in danger, girl”, just to get her attention? This is that kind of post, but for you. It’s a bit more serious than what I usually write, but important to share none the less.
And look, I’m not necessarily saying that if your fiance has one of these red flags that you are in danger. Some red flags are not dangerous. That said, all of the fiancé red flags listed in this post are concerning. And, they are things to consider before you marry this person. Marriage will not solve problems. It will only make it harder for you to get away from them.
Fiancé Red Flags That Should Have You Reconsidering Things
This post is going to share with you fiancé red flags that should have you reconsidering things. Here’s the thing. It’s way easier to break off an engagement than it is to end a marriage. Like, way easier. Even if it doesn’t seem that way in the moment, it is. Divorce is complicated and exhausting, and even if a break up is as well, the magnitude is different.
Remember, if you actually feel like you are in danger, you have resources. Reach out to a friend, look up hotlines in your area, and see if you can lean on family support. Keep yourself safe, always. The national hotline for Domestic Violence is 800-799-7233, and their site is here.
Let’s get into it.
YOUR FIANCE SPENDS MONEY RECKLESSLY AND IRRESPONSIBLY
Does your fiancé seem to be a mess when it comes to money? Do they spend money they don’t have? Rack up debt? Just get careless?
If so, this is a major red flag.
Even if you and your fiancé intend to keep your finances separate when you get married, you still open yourself up to financial risk when you build a life with someone who is financially irresponsible. You’ll be carrying them, or monitoring them. Plus, it will be hard to trust them with money.
If this is your fiancé, talk to them. Take a money management course. Protect yourself and beware.
YOUR FIANCE DOESN’T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT “ADULTING” MEANS
Do you feel like you have to parent your fiancé all the time?
Maybe it’s that they don’t know how to do laundry. Or pay their bills. Perhaps it’s just a vibe that they need more life experience or responsibility. And look, this dynamic may work for you, for now. But let me give you a preview. If the two of you have kids, you’ll have actual children to care for. And a partner who isn’t quite an adult. Not cool, if you ask me.
YOUR FIANCE DOESN’T WANT TO WORK, JUST BECAUSE
I’ll go out on a limb and say that if you can afford it, and both people agree, there is no reason why both of you need to work when you get married. It is kind of nice for breaks to be had, and for one person to manage the home-life.
However, if your fiancé should really be working, and just isn’t, it’s a major fiancé red flag. I mean, what’s going on? Is it anxiety? Laziness? Addition? Get to the root cause. If you don’t, you’ll be financially carrying them and accepting their lack of working the moment you marry them.
YOUR FIANCE IS OVERLY CONTROLLING OR JEALOUS
Okay, I know that the term “overly controlling” may be vague, so let’s get more specific.
If your fiancé is all up in your business, monitoring where you go, who you spend time with, restricting the time you spend with friends or family, telling you what to eat, feel, or how to behave, they are overly controlling. If they are jealous because you work with people of a certain gender, or have a past before them, it’s also not okay. If they will only let you see other people while they are present, it’s a sign that things aren’t good. Again, if this is going on, major fiancé red flags and you really should be reconsidering things because marriage will only make things harder.
YOU AND YOUR FIANCE FIGHT ALL THE TIME
In some respects, fighting can be a good thing. It clears the air. Lets feelings out. And, it is a form of communication.
That said, if you and your fiancé fight all the time, it’s not fun. Drama is so stressful. Who wants to live like that? If you get married to a person who you can’t get along with, you are signing up for a lifetime of drama and chaos. You have some choices here, though. Maybe get some therapy, both individual and together. Or, get some space and reconsider things.
YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR FIANCE DOESN’T RESPECT OR TRUST YOU
The basis of every good relationship is respect and trust. Huge fiancé red flags if you doubt that you are getting either respect or trust from your partner.
What does respect look like, exactly? Well, it’s in the way someone speaks to you. Or how they respect your right to privacy. And trust goes hand in hand. Trust means that your partner has faith that you’ll do the right thing in most situations. If you feel like your partner doesn’t respect you, or really doesn’t trust you, it may be time for a breather.
YOU DON’T FEEL SAFE TELLING YOUR FIANCE HOW YOU FEEL
Can you talk to your partner? Let them know what’s on your mind? If you do, are they a safe place?
Here’s the thing. “Safe place” is a broad term. But I’ll break it down in this context. If you feel demoralized, regretful, or disrespected every time you tell your partner your feelings on a topic, they are not a safe place. If you experience abuse if you open up about feelings, they are definitely not safe. Partners should have the backbone and strength to listen to each other, and if it’s not safe to share, your marriage will suffer.
YOUR FIANCE HAS ABUSED YOU, MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, OR EMOTIONALLY
Let’s delve deeper into abuse.
Abuse is treating someone with cruelty or violence, regularly or repeatedly.
If you are experiencing abuse, and it can be mental abuse, physical abuse, or emotional abuse (more on that one later), you need to see the fiancé red flags here. You are worth more than how you are being treated. Abuse can be name calling, it can be pushing, or it can be psychological warfare. If you are being abused, it’s time to look for help and definitely reconsider things.
YOUR FIANCE ABUSES DRUGS, ALCOHOL, OR GAMBLING
Alright, perhaps your fiancé does not abuse you. But, they may abuse drugs, alcohol, or gambling.
These are all fiancé red flags.
Yes, for some people, a little recreational drug, alcohol, or gambling use may be okay. Sometimes. In small doses. In settings that have very low risks, with no real safety issues. However, for many, many people, these additions can change their lives for the worse. Families can be ruined by abusing drugs, alcohol, and gambling, and many never fully recover.
If you think your fiancé needs help, talk to them. And, beware of marrying them if they seem out of control.
YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE YOUR FIANCE IS A GOOD PERSON
Do you like your fiancé? Do you think they tend to do the right thing? Are you confident that karma is on their side?
If not, watch out for those fiancé red flags.
Look, no one is perfect. But, I like to think that most people are good enough. That they really do want to do the right thing, most of the time. If you aren’t sure about your partner, it’s a sign that they aren’t right for you. If they tend to lie, cheat, steal, or do otherwise terrible things, with little to no remorse, don’t build a life with this person.
YOUR FIANCE STRUGGLES WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT
Is your fiancé a hot head? Do they yell a lot, or punch or kick walls when they are angry?
If so, it’s no fun to live with someone like that.
Look, there is help for anger management. It’s literally called anger management. Anger can build, and it can get scary. Not just for you, but also for any future kids you may have. Ask your fiancé to get some help if you think they can’t manage their anger.
YOU FEEL TOTALLY CODEPENDENT WITH YOUR FIANCE
Some couples are just completely dependent on each other. And, to be honest, it’s not healthy.
For a couple to be healthy, each partner needs to be healthy without the other holding them up. Yes, of course, it’s okay to lean on your partner. But, if you feel like you can’t feel differently than your partner, or that you need their approval to make tiny decisions, or that you can’t go anywhere without them, it’s time for a little space and to do some work on yourselves.
YOUR FIANCE CHEATS ON YOU
Look, if you are marrying a habitual cheater, all I can say is don’t.
If you get married, the cheating will not stop. I don’t care what anyone tells you. I don’t care what your fiancé themselves have promised you. Cheating does not end just because you get married. At least, the temptation doesn’t. And who wants to be married to someone they can’t trust?
YOUR FIANCE GASLIGHTS YOU
You know about gaslighting, right? When someone makes you feel crazy for calling out when they act a certain way, or a certain thing happens, and it’s not cool?
Well, it’s dismissive, and it’s borderline psychological torture.
If your fiancé gaslights you, you need to step back and reconsider what’s going on. Gaslighting is a symptom of bigger issues. It can indicate that they don’t respect you. Or, that they have something mentally going on with themselves. It’s not okay, and it’s not worth being married to.
YOUR FIANCE HAS NO FRIENDS OR NETWORK
If your fiancé has no friends, and no network, you need to look into what’s going on.
Even the most private and shy people usually have at least one friend. Almost everyone has a family member they keep in contact with. Or, people they know through work or community, at least. If your fiancé has nobody, or you have never ever met anyone who they may talk about, it’s time to really analyze what’s going on.
YOU KNOW IN YOUR GUT THAT MARRIAGE ISN’T THE RIGHT MOVE WITH YOUR FIANCE
Look, if you know. I mean, really, really know, that this is not your person, you need to move on.
I don’t care how long you’ve been together. It doesn’t matter how old you are, or what you think things could be. If this is not your person, they are not your person. Marriage will not change that.
And yes, breaking it off with someone is hard. Really hard. It’s easier than divorce, though, and way better than being married to someone you know isn’t right for you.
THOUGHTS ON FIANCE RED FLAGS
Friends, I hope you’re watching out for fiancé red flags. Remember, it’s okay to communicate your concerns with your fiancé. It’s also okay to leave if you are unsafe or there is potential for danger (or for any other reason, really). You can always work with a professional, either individually or together, too. Have faith in yourself to do what feels right, even if it’s hard. You’ve got this!
More On Relationships From Hummingbird Wedding Advice
What The Heck is a Marriage Retreat?
Questions Every Couple Should Ask Before Getting Married
How To Get Your Partner To Help More With Wedding Planning
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