How to Fire A Bridesmaid

Need some tips on how to fire a bridesmaid?

Unfortunately, this is a scenario some brides find themselves in. Let me just start off by saying, an ounce of prevention is worth it’s weight in gold. Before you ask your friends and family to be in your wedding, think long and hard about it. Will they want to be involved? Do they have capacity in their lives for your big day? Will they be present at the events they need to be at, and with a good attitude? If they live far away, are they willing to travel and spend that extra cost? If they have kids, or are planning on having kids, will they still be able to be present for you?

These are serious questions you need to ask yourself (and maybe them), before you pop the question, “will you be in my wedding?”

However. . . maybe you did all of the above and it’s just not working out. Or, maybe you didn’t do all of the above and it’s . . . just not working out. Perhaps you have someone(s) in your bridal party and you’re left feeling disappointed or hurt by their comments, actions, or inactions. What do you do? Well, you may have to fire a bridesmaid. Yikes.

This post is going to go over how to fire a bridesmaid, in the most compassionate and graceful way possible. Depending on the situation, it is possible to maintain a relationship with someone after you ask them to step away from your wedding. However, sometimes relationships do not repair themselves afterwards, so be prepared for it. It’s a big deal to fire a bridesmaid, but sometimes it has to be done. Being a bridesmaid is a privilege, not a right, and those asked to hold the role should be involved and respectful. If you’re not getting that from someone, you need to look at your options.

Let’s get into it.

REASONS WHY YOU MAY WANT TO FIRE A BRIDESMAID

I’ll start this section off by saying that there really are no limits on reasons to fire a bridesmaid. This is your life, your situation, and if you want to ask someone not to be in your wedding for whatever reason, that is your prerogative.

However, some reasons may be more common than others. Let’s explore those.

Some common reasons you may want to fire a bridesmaid:

The bridesmaid isn’t that active. She’s MIA at pre-wedding events, not involved, and may even be hard to get a hold of. There may or not be a good reason for this, but either way, it’s not working out.
The bridesmaid has a bad attitude. Maybe she’s not getting along with the other bridesmaids. Or, she’s a total downer or bummer to be around. Either way, she’s not a fun time. And, you want your wedding to be a fun time.
The bridesmaid doesn’t want to pay for anything. This is a tricky situation, but being a bridesmaid comes with costs. If someone agrees to be a bridesmaid, they agree to spending money. They should accept this or be upfront about their monetary situation.

The bridesmaid has done something really, really bad to you or someone you love. This may range from saying mean things behind your back, to much, much worse.
The bridesmaid has too much going on to be a bridesmaid. Let’s consider this a “mercy firing”. Maybe since accepting to be a bridesmaid she’s started a new and demanding job. Or, she is about to have a baby. Perhaps her life is just too chaotic. You may want to fire her so she has one thing off her plate. In a nice way, of course.
The bridesmaid has some issues going on. I’m talking mental health issues or substance abuse. Perhaps she’s involved in your wedding, but clearly something is going on. In this case, it may be best to ask her to step away.

The bridesmaid was asked to be a bridesmaid out of obligation, and you’re having second thoughts. Look. It happens. However, let’s prevent this situation. Don’t ask people to be in your wedding unless you’re totally sure.

HOW TO PREVENT GETTING INTO THE SITUATION WHERE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT FIRING A BRIDESMAID

As you can see from the common reasons to fire a bridesmaid, there are some ways to prevent getting into this situation.

The main way to have a wedding party that you’re comfortable with and will not make you want to modify after the fact is to take your time coming up with the players. Be sure to only ask people to be your bridesmaid if you’re confident that they want to be involved. And, that they will have the time and money to participate. Don’t ask people to be in your wedding just because you think you have to. Yes, you may end up disappointing others if you “go your own way”, but following your gut will be less drama than firing a bridesmaid later on.

If you need more tips on choosing your wedding party, this is the post for you.

STEPS FOR FIRING A BRIDESMAID

Okay, so you’re at a point where you’re seriously considering firing a bridesmaid.

And look, I know that the term “firing” is quite harsh. What you’re really doing is asking someone to step away from your wedding party. You’re freeing them of their commitments for whatever reason, so you can both move forward. In some cases, this may mean that they are also not invited to the wedding. In other cases, it just means that they aren’t a bridesmaid and everything else stays the same. Every situation is different, so you’ll have to be prepared for either scenario.

Let’s get into the actual steps you should take if you’re at this point.

ASK FOR ADVICE FROM THOSE AROUND YOU

Before you do anything, talk to some trusted advisors in your circle.

This may mean discussing the situation with other members of your wedding party. Or, your partner. Perhaps you want to go over what’s happening with your mom or someone a bit wiser than you. The point is that you’re looking for another opinion. Another person will be able to help guide you towards the right thing to do, so you’re not analyzing and stressing about this in a silo.

You may see things from another perspective after talking to others, or you may feel more empowered and validated to move forward in a certain way. Either way, advice from others is needed.

FIND AN OPPORTUNTITY TO SPEAK FACE TO FACE WITH THE BRIDESMAID

If you’re going to move forward with firing the bridesmaid in question, ideally you’ll do it face to face.

When we have tough conversations over text messages or emails, context can get lost. And, it’s stressful when you wait for replies. Over the phone is a little better, and video chats are even better than phones, but still there is some lost interaction.

Face to face is most ideal. You’ll be able to show compassion, empathy, and judge how they are reacting to you as well. Of course, anger and hurt feelings may come up. Fights can happen. However, if this is someone who you are close to, chances are it will be a good conversation to have in person.

If your bridesmaid is MIA, and won’t meet with you face to face, you have to do what you have to do. But . . . try face to face first. A relaxed, quiet setting is likely best.

LEAD WITH YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF THEM

Before you jump into asking someone to not be in your wedding, lead with some context.

What I would do is start with “I” statements. For example, you might want to say something like “I should have made it more clear what I needed from my bridesmaids”, and “I feel like there may have been some miscommunications about being in my wedding”. Leading with “I” statements is a good start because it’s hard to argue with it. Your feelings are your feelings.

From there, you can start talking about what you expected from said bridesmaid when they agreed to be in your wedding. From being at certain events, to responding, to having the right attitude, now is the time to go over what you wished you had seen. Be kind during this part. Remember to pause, and let them tell you their thoughts as well. Listen as best you can, and stay calm.

You may find that you’re going to change your mind about firing a bridesmaid based on how this conversation goes. If so, you’re all good. If not, read on.

BE PREPARED WITH REASONS, EVEN THOUGH THEY MAY NOT DESERVE THEM

Maybe after you’ve discussed your expectations, and your bridesmaid isn’t getting it, it’s time to be clear about asking them to step away.

In most cases, you’ll want to be prepared with reasons. Now, I want to be clear. You do not have to give reasons. You can simply tell someone they aren’t in your wedding anymore. However, if you want to salve your relationship, having reasons why they should step away would be important. Be specific about your reasons. They may get defensive during this conversation. If that happens, remain calm. They are simply telling you their part of the story. Remember that you are having this talk for a reason, and it’s going to have to be resolved one way or another.

GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO BRING SOLUTIONS

If the bridesmaid is responsive to your reasons for them to step away, give them a chance to make things right.

For example, if the bridesmaid still wants to be in your wedding, ask her how she intends to make things different going forward. She should have solutions for you. When she tells you things will be different, ask questions like “For that to be true, what would have to happen?” This will help her formulate what could actually change in order for you both to move forward.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO DO

If some solutions to the issue are discussed, it’s time for you to make your choice on what to do next.

If you don’t really want to fire the bridesmaid, you’ll have to talk about the solutions that were brought up and how to make them true. For example, you may have a flakey bridesmaid that you want to fire. She might promise you that she won’t be flakey anymore. Have her explain why she’s flakey and what would have to change in order for her not to flake. If you trust in the change, keep her in your wedding (for now).

However, you may not buy into the solutions or commitment from the bridesmaid. Or, you are just done with this conversation all together. Now is the time for you to let her know that you don’t want her in your wedding. It’s as clear as that.

HOLD YOUR BOUNDARIES

Asking someone not to be in your wedding when they were already a bridesmaid can be a huge blow to someone’s ego. They may get upset, and you may be tempted to give them another chance.

Look. Do what’s best for you, long term. Not short term.

If you really don’t want this person in your wedding anymore, hold your boundary. If you don’t trust that change will happen, and you want to just be done with the drama, be firm. You won’t do future you any favors to waver and waffle at this point. Yes, it’s hard in the moment but you’ll feel better about your choice later on when you know the stress won’t come up again.

BE OKAY WITH THE OUTCOME

Not everyone will understand why they are being asked to step out of someone’s wedding.

In some cases, your relationship with this person may be over. Or, very, very damaged. You need to accept it is what it is. Your ex-bridesmaid may need some time to be apart from you, and you have to give her space. Now is not the time to “comfort” or be there for her. She needs time to accept that her actions brought you both to this point, and this is about her, not you.

Some people may not come to a wedding where they were asked to step down as a bridesmaid. While this won’t feel great, you need to be okay with the outcome. It is what it is for a reason.

THOUGHTS ON WHAT IT MEANS TO FIRE A BRIDESMAID

Friends, it’s never fun to fire a bridesmaid. Stress and disappointment led you to this point, and concrete actions and difficult conversations will bring you out of it. Your relationship with the bridesmaid may be forever altered, and drama can ensue. However, you will move past this. Your wedding is not about the fired bridesmaid, it’s about you and your partner. And you’ve got this. Happy wedding planning.

More On Bridesmaids From Hummingbird Wedding Advice

13 Ways To Make Sure Your Bridesmaids Have A Great Experience

How To Be A Great Bridesmaid (Even If You’ve Never Been One Before!)

Your Bridesmaid Dress Shopping Guide

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