How To Mourn The Loss of Your 2020 Wedding

Let’s just say it sounds stressful if you were planning a 2020 wedding.  

I’m going to remind everyone that I am not a health care professional. My formal education in mental health ends at my bachelors in psychology degree.  I have never used it in an “official” capacity.

I am approaching this as a friend who is there for all the engaged folks who had a rough year due to this COVID-19 global pandemic.  This is wedding-wise, specifically, among other reasons to have a rough year. 

This is for those who spent 2019 (or even earlier) planning a fantastic wedding.  Those who have had to postpone once, twice, or more in 2020. Or those of you who did end up having a 2020 wedding, but it wasn’t nearly the same as your vision. And maybe you’re still feeling a bit off about it.

I am incredibly sorry for your loss.

HOW TO MOURN THE LOSS OF YOUR 2020 WEDDING

I can remind you that you’re lucky to have a loving partner, and that you can always have the “dream wedding” later on. . . but none of that really matters.

Something was taken from you. The joy of planning a wedding and seeing it come together with no more mishaps and stress than your average bride experiences. The luxury of picking a date and being able to keep to it. The freedom to include all the friends and family you can afford, without worry that your wedding will be the epicenter of a mini-outbreak.

But that’s not the point of this post.

The point is that your feelings are very valid, no matter what they are.

Weddings are often a once-in-a-lifetime event, and you usually only get one real shot to make it right. Whether you’re planning on getting married at a later date or you had a small wedding in 2020, with plans for a big wedding later, doesn’t matter.  What matters is you may still have feelings of depression, anxiety, or even guilt over the change.

A Funeral For Your 2020 Wedding

So what would I suggest to a friend who is feeling blue about this situation and wants to try and feel better?

Well, besides all the obvious “talking it out” situations, with a friend, family member, or health care professional, there is one quirky action you could take.

You could hold a funeral for your 2020 wedding.

Not the wedding that you had, if you had one with a small group at a non-venue, with takeout food. Not that one. Have one for your original vision. The one that you had to postpone or cancel. Have a funeral for that dream wedding that will not happen in 2020. Have a funeral for the wedding that was robbed of all the lightness and carefree planning you were able to put into it.

So how do you have a funeral for your 2020 wedding?

My suggestion is to spend some time creating a vision board. Or just write out the details of the wedding. Include the planning, the excitement, the date, the fun moments picking a venue, the discussions of what you would do with your partner, and lay it all out in front of you. If you and your partner are both feeling the loss, do this together. Otherwise, make it a personal endeavor.

Go over the details you see and talk or think about how things would be different in another year or place. Say aloud about what you’ve actually lost, or what has just been postponed.

Determine how you can still do the things you planned, or what you actually have to let go of. Stop and pause at every detail.

And then ceremonially, put away the details, and say goodbye.

What Saying Goodbye Looks Like

Well, if it’s safe, you could burn them (fires are serious here in California, people, so please make sure you’re safe if you go this route!). Or, if you want to save them, find a nice box or rolled-up-paper holder (what is that even called?!) and put them in a closet to keep and reference later. If you’re minimal or techy, take a picture and file it away on your computer or phone.

But take those details and say good bye to them.

I know this sounds really silly, but funerals are how we celebrate those we loved. They are a mechanism for us to grieve and process our loss. And saying good bye to your 2020 wedding is no different.  A loss is a loss, and if you need to process this loss and move forward to accept it, you need to do what you have to do to feel better. 

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