Engaged After Loss – How I Planned My Wedding While Grieving

This post about being engaged after loss is the most personal piece I have written to date.  

While it’s a little emotional for me to write about this, I feel that getting engaged after loss is a situation that happens a lot with weddings.  If you are grieving the loss of someone special, who should be in attendance at your wedding, yet has passed away before the big day, it’s important to know you’re not alone.  Hopefully hearing my story about not having an important person at my wedding will help you. 

There is a lot that goes into grieving.  A lot.  When you lose someone you love, there are many, many things that you may miss, both past and future.  I’m writing here about my experience as a bride whose loss altered her vision of her wedding. It is not all encompassing of my grief or other things I missed or wished could have been different.  

ENGAGED AFTER LOSS

It is genuinely possible to be both happy and sad on your wedding day.  Grief does not mean that your wedding won’t be wonderful.  It just means that you had to add an extra layer into your wedding day intentions in order to both enjoy yourself and honor the person who should have been there.  I promise it is doable. It can still be a day that you look back on with fondness and smiles.

I’ll let you know about my own experience of being engaged after loss in this post.  Additionally, I’ll describe how I had to move through my grief and what I modified about my wedding day in order to honor my loved one as well as have a fantastic experience.  I’ll give you suggestions on how you can enjoy your day as well, and a “game plan” for emotions and preparing yourself on your actual wedding day.

Hopefully I’m able to help someone out there by sharing my experience.

  

MY LOSS STORY

The special person who I lost before my wedding was my dad.  

My dad was 58 years old and filled with a full life of dreams and plans ahead of him when he passed away.  In fact, when he learned he had cancer, he and my mom had just come home from a six month road trip where they drove from the San Francisco Bay Area to Naples, Florida, up to Ontario, Canada, and back to the Bay Area.  They saw so much of the United States on that trip and couldn’t wait to take another route the next time so they could see more of the country. 

MY DAD’S ILLNESS

When my parents returned from their road trip in September, 2014, my father started feeling some symptoms associated with swallowing and chest pressure.  Some tests reveled that he had esophageal cancer,  which comes with a grim prognosis.  Though my dad was ready to fight as much as he could for his life, we all knew it was a big possibility that he would not survive another year or two. 

During this period, I was about a year into dating my then boyfriend, and I just knew that I was going to marry him one day.  That knowing feeling grew even stronger when my dad was fighting cancer and going through chemo, radiation, and intense surgeries.  As my dad grew sicker and sicker, my boyfriend was there for me every step of the way, providing any support that he could.  

MY DAD’S THOUGHTS ON MISSING MY WEDDING

About 10 months after my dad’s diagnosis, it was apparent that he was very, very sick.  I knew that if my dad passed away I miss the everyday aspects of his presence.  Unfortunately, it also really bothered me was that he wasn’t going to be at my wedding.  During this time, I would talk to my dad about my wedding.  I told him how much I wanted him to be there, even though I was not yet engaged.  He knew I had plans for him to walk me down the aisle, and dance with me, which was a big thing because my father never, ever danced.  I even told him the song we would dance to, appropriately called “I Don’t Dance”. 

One evening my dad was incredibly ill and I said to him, “You have to get better, because I have big plans coming up.”  He looked me right in the eye and told me, “I know, Nicole.  I have big plans, for your big plans.”  After that evening I knew that if he was to pass away, he too would be just as disappointed about missing my wedding as I was.

AFTER THE LOSS OF MY DAD

When my dad did pass away just a couple of weeks later in August, 2015, with my mom, siblings, my then boyfriend (later husband), and me surrounding him, it was just devastating.  In the following weeks and months, I grieved a lot.  I grew more used to the idea that I would not see my dad on a day to day basis.  However, it did take me a long time to come to terms that my vision for my wedding had to change.  I had always expected that my dad would walk me down the aisle, give a speech, and dance with me, and was very excited for it all.  When he passed I truly had to grieve that particular loss because I knew none of that would be possible anymore.  I was going to have have enjoy my wedding while grieving. 

ACCEPTING REALITY AND OTHER PEOPLE’S WEDDINGS

As time went on, I had to accept having a wedding that did not include my father at it.  This was incredibly hard, as I had to let go of a big dream.  At first, I found myself very jealous of others who got to have both parents there for them on their wedding day.  For the first few years after my dad passed, while I was at weddings I would often break down when fathers walked down the aisles with their daughters. This is something that I have since become okay with, over five years later.  However, to this day, I still cry during father-daughter dances.

I will say that it took some time for me to accept how things were going to be, verses what I wanted them to be.  It took a lot of meditation, talking to myself, and facing reality.  It wasn’t easy, but I eventually got there enough to be okay to even get engaged after loss. 

GETTING ENGAGED AFTER LOSS

On November 11th, 2016, I finally got engaged to the love of my life. 

The act of getting engaged after loss wasn’t done lightly.  This was only 15 months after my father passed away.  However, at the time, I was incredibly ready to start a marriage with my boyfriend.  Not only was my boyfriend amazing as a partner, we had just gone through this traumatic experience together.   I felt confident that we could be there for each other for the hard things. 

Additionally, after a year of sadness and grief, I was ready for something fun and exciting to look forward to.  It felt like my entire family needed it, too. 

WALKING DOWN THE AISLE

As it happened, I had an excellent stand in to walk me down the aisle. 

My Dad was incredibly close to his big brother, my Uncle Dave.  On the evening of my dad’s passing, while our family was standing around my mom’s kitchen eating ice cream (because what else are you going to eat at a time like that?), the topic of my wedding came up.  Though I was stunned after just holding onto my father as he took his last breath, I lamented that I didn’t know who would walk me down the aisle anymore.  My Uncle graciously offered.

This ended up being an excellent arrangement.  My father loved his big brother, and I loved the idea of my dad’s idol stepping into his “shoes”.  Also, my Uncle has daughters but for different reasons has never had an opportunity to walk them down the aisle.  I think the experience ended up being meaningful for both of us, as you can see in the photo below.

“FATHER OF THE BRIDE” SPEECH

This is a part of my wedding where my mom really stepped up.

To be really honest, I was looking forward to what my dad would say at my wedding after I got serious with my boyfriend.  My father was an excellent public speaker, always well rehearsed and prepared.  He knew how to formulate a presentation and bring in humor and sentiment.  Being his first born, and also very close to him, I can only imagine what he would have said.  I’m positive that it would have been a highlight for me at my wedding. 

As it ended up, my mother gave a fantastic speech at the wedding.  Cute, sweet, and dressed in red, she did an amazing job giving us praise and advice, moving around the front of the room while speaking with ease.  Though it wasn’t tradition, having my mom speak instead of my dad was an amazing experience.  My mom spoke for both herself and my dad during her speech, making note of his absence but not dwelling on it, and offering thoughts as though it was from both of them. 

FATHER / DAUGHTER DANCE

Oh, the father/daughter dance.  It breaks my heart every time, as mentioned above.

Again, my mom stepped up to the plate for this one.  And, I found a way to honor my father in the process. You see, at first I was thinking that I would have a dance with my brother, who said he would do it but probably wasn’t that excited about it.  I was also thinking that other male relatives could step in during the dance, in an effort to honor my dad.  After some meditation on that plan, though, it came to me that a dance my mom was best for my wedding.

Though I wanted to recognize my dad at my wedding, I didn’t want the day to be about him not being there.  I felt that if I danced to the song I had picked out for “us”, it would take me out of the wedding mindset and bring my emotions to a lower level.  So, my mom and I decided to dance to the song “My Girl”.  We invited all the other guests to join us in an effort to honor my dad with us.  As a result, many other guests came onto the dance floor.  At one point I even switched partners (I ended up dancing with my husband while my sister danced with my mom). 

It was a really light-hearted experience, and I’m happy with how it turned out. 

HOW I HONORED MY DAD AT MY WEDDING

There are lots of ways that you can honor a passed relative at your wedding, and all I will say is that you have to do what is right for you and your situation. 

While I didn’t want to ignore that my dad wasn’t at my wedding, I also didn’t want the day to feel sad.  It was my goal to have subtle reminders that he was still a part of the day.  I also still wanted to bring optimism and celebration wherever possible. 

Here’s how I did that:

Welcome Sign

When guests entered the ceremony area, they first saw a sign listing out all of our families and bridal party. 

When I crafted this sign, it was incredibly important to me to have my dad’s name listed with the rest of the parents.  I knew that he was there in spirit, and needed to make note of that, literally.  In small words, next to his name, I put (in spirit).  To me, it was a quiet nod that this wedding had his support and involvement.  

Necklace

Before my wedding, I had a special necklace made with my dad’s ashes, and I wore it during the ceremony.

The process to have the necklace made was simple.  First, I went online.  Then, I chose a design that worked with my wedding dress.  After that, I sent them in some ashes, and a few weeks later the necklace arrived.  During the ceremony I was comforted that a part of my dad was with me as I walked down the aisle.  I enjoyed knowing that he was there as I stood in front of our guests, and started married life. I now rarely wear the necklace.  However, I keep it in a place of honor in my home and look at it often.   

Vows

It was essential to me to mention my dad in my vows, but not make them about him.  I wanted the focus to be on my wedding and relationship, first and foremost.

During both mine and my now husband’s vows, we both mentioned my dad among other family members.  My husband started his vows off by saying what I had inherited from my parents. He mentioning that my dad was raising a glass for us that day and that I from him I received his “wits, strength, vitality, and warmth“. I found this to be a very respectful and thoughtful mention. 

For my vows, I went over what I loved about my husband’s family, him, and what he had done for and with me over the years.  Though I wanted them to be humorous and not too sappy I still got a little emotional.  I gave my husband praise by stating “You were there for me in the Summer of 2015, when my life fell apart.  You patiently and carefully put me back together.  You literally stood behind me during the worst moments of my life, and I am so blessed to stand in front of you in this one”.  This was the only “mention” of my dad in my vows, and it was all I needed to say.   

Yes, it was a little tear-jerky.  It could have been omitted.  However, it was imperative to me for my husband and the guests to know what we had been through together. 

My Speech

My husband and I shared a “Welcome Speech” once all the guests were seated for dinner.

During my turn, I thanked all the people who had traveled in, and helped me with my wedding.  I gave kudo’s where kudo’s were due, including thanking my Uncle Dave for walking down the aisle instead of my dad.  I commented that if Uncle Dave was on one side of me, my dad must have been on the other.  It was a very sentimental statement.  In true “Nicole” form, I followed it up with a joke about all the Canadians in the room.  It brought the mood back up. 

More Ideas

While I didn’t use any of these ideas at my wedding, this is a great article filled with suggestion on photos, signs, and ways to honor your passed loved ones on your wedding day.   Pick and choose what works for you. 

If you want to leave a seat empty, go for it.  If you want a table with photos and a nice sign about who is witnessing your wedding from Heaven, make it happen.  Do what you need to do to include and honor the people you would give anything for in order for them to be at your wedding.

IF YOU’RE ENGAGED AFTER LOSS

First off, I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

Whether you’re missing a parent, grandparent, friend, child, other family member, or even pet, it’s okay to feel sad.  If you had a vision of them in attendance at your wedding and they have since passed, it is not an easy feeling to come to terms with.  I’m not a psychologist, I’m not an expert on grief, and I can only base my advice on my own experience.

Don’t Hide From Your Feelings 

They say with grief, you can’t get around it.  You have to go through it.

Give yourself permission to process your situation.  Talk to others and talk to yourself.  Acknowledge the unfair situation that you are dealt with.  And yes, it is incredibly unfair.  Getting engaged should be a happy occasion.  However, getting engaged after loss has a dark cloud over it.  As I mentioned before, I would get so jealous when I saw that other women got to have their dads at their wedding.  I would think to myself, if only I had met my fiancé sooner. . . if only I pushed us to get married as soon as my dad was diagnosed. . . if only, if only. 

The thing is, the more I let myself feel jealous, mad, sad, or whatever other icky feeling came over me, and I acknowledged the feeling, felt it, and then moved through it, the easier it got to experience them.  As time went on, I became more or less “okay” with my loss. 

Have An Emotion Game Plan For Your Wedding Day

By the time the big day came, I wasn’t sure how I was going to be, emotionally.

Now, I’m not really an inherently emotional person.  However, when you combine a wedding day with a major life loss, you never know how you will react.  On my wedding day I was prepared to keep my emotions in check.  This made sure I could enjoy my day to the fullest. 

I have suggestions on keeping calm and relaxed on your wedding day, and you can do what works best for you.  For me, I chose to exercise the morning of my wedding.  I woke up early, and headed to a nearby gym for some crazy cardio.  And you know what? It worked.  I woke up on my wedding day jittery, nervous, and almost in tears because of it all.  Once I was done working out I was calm, cool, and ready to face the day. 

Make The Best Of It

My piece of advice here is to try and have a great time at your wedding, despite not having a special someone there with you. 

How do you do this?  Well, look for alternatives to your vision and accept them. No, it’s not ideal to have someone else walk you down the aisle when you had always dreamt of your dad being there.  However, it doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy walking down the aisle.  Either walk with a trusted loved one (or one’s, if you can’t decide), or walk with yourself. Both are totally fine. 

Go ahead and leave a flower on a seat up front for your grandma.  Or, have your best friend help you with your bustle instead of your mom, or keep a locket with your dog’s photo in it around your bouquet.  Do whatever you need to do that will give you a glimmer of enjoyment or happiness on your wedding day. 

When you’re able to focus on the people who are able to be there in person for your wedding, it does make the day go better. No, your sister or best friend won’t be able to take the place of your mom.  But, that doesn’t mean that you don’t love having them there with you.  You are able to be both sad and happy at the the same time. 

Focus On Being Happy

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to keep your thoughts on your wedding and partner.  This is key.  Your lost loved one does not want you to focus on them on your wedding day.  They want you to enjoy yourself to the fullest.  And, they would want to see you having the best day of your life. 

CLOSING THOUGHTS

There you have it, friends. 

Getting engaged after loss and planning a wedding while grieving is an experience that happens all too often. And it’s not a fun one for anyone who is engaged and getting married to endure.  While the loss of a loved one does impact your wedding, it doesn’t have to define your wedding.  Honor your loved one however you see it.  Please keep your mind on your wedding and partner as much as possible on your actual wedding day. \

More From Hummingbird Wedding Advice:

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