What You Should Know About RSVP Etiquette

It’s easy to get confused about RSVP Etiquette. So much so, that I’d like to set some things strait.

First off, RSVP is an acronym for a french term that translates to “respond, if you please“. Essentially, it’s what your wedding guests give back to you when they receive an invitation. It lets you know if they will attend your wedding or not. 

The thing is, RSVP’s, or replying whether you’re coming to an event, requires give and take from both the person inviting, and the person being invited. The person doing the inviting should be clear about their request. They should be timely with it. And, the person being invited should be prompt with their reply. If the inviter or the invitee mess up along the way, it can create a lot of confusion.

If you are planning a wedding, you may be wondering how to get RSVP’s back by your deadline. You may also be questioning what to do if you haven’t heard from certain guests. Should you follow up with them? Let it go? Assume they are coming, even if you haven’t heard from them? These are all great questions. 

What You Should Know About RSVP Etiquette

This post is going to walk you through RSVP etiquette. It’ll cover what you can expect from your guests when they RSVP, or not, and how you should handle various situations.

Hopefully it gives you some pointers to navigate your communication with guests so you can make informed decisions on your wedding. Because, let’s face it. Knowing how many people are coming to your wedding is crucial to getting those last few wedding tasks complete.

Here we go!

ENSURING PROPER RSVP ETIQUETTE, STARTING WITH YOUR INVITATIONS

Your invitations are the first signal to guests that they need to RSVP to your wedding, and it’s important that the action they need to take is very clear.

INCLUDE THE RIGHT INFORMATION ON YOUR INVITATIONS

When you design your invitations, make sure that they relay all the important information to guests. This may seem like a no-brainer, but hear me out. Of course, you’ll let your guests know the date, time, and location of your wedding.

However, you may also want to include details like “Reception to follow”, or your wedding website, so guests can gather more information. On your invitation, or on insert cards, you can relay any other details that may have to do with travel arrangements, if children are invited, or Covid protocols. Each of these things, and others, will help your guests decide if attending your wedding is right for them.

In short, the more you communicate what they can expect, the easier it will be for them to determine if they can attend your wedding.

BE CLEAR ABOUT THE RSVP DEADLINE

This is a biggie. If you don’t tell others when they need to RSVP by, they won’t make it a priority. So make it super clear on your invitation when the deadline is.

Now, there are different schools of thought here. Some people like to give lots of time for others to RSVP and some people like to cut it quite short. To be honest, the less time you give, the more likely you’ll get quick responses, with one caveat. Some people won’t be able to RSVP quickly, as they’ll need to figure out the logistics of attending your wedding. They may miss the deadline, and then feel as though they can’t come because they missed it.

I suggest that you give people a reasonable amount of time to RSVP, like a month or so. This should be enough time for them to decide if they can attend your wedding.

PROVIDE DIFFERENT WAYS TO RSVP

Giving guests options on RSVP’ing may also help them respond in a timely manner. For example, you can send return, stamped envelopes with your invitations. Additionally, you can create an online RSVP with your wedding website, or leave your phone number or email for them to reply directly to you with their answer.

Different people will respond in different ways, so if you give them options, they are bound to pick the one that’s easiest for them and get back to you very soon.

WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT ONCE YOU SEND OUT INVITATIONS

So much work and effort can go into sending invitations, it can be super exciting to see what the response is once they are sent into the world.

If you are having a decent sized wedding, and you make it easy for others to RSVP to it, you should expect some of those RSVP’s to come rolling back right away. In fact, you may get quite a few of them within a few weeks of sending them out. And then, you’ll see there’s a lull. They may trickle in, but they won’t rush to you. And this can be a bit discouraging.

Though you should get quite a few responses back, you should expect that you won’t get them all by the deadline. In fact, depending on the types of people you invite, there may be quite a few that are no reply’s at all. It’s easy to feel offended by this, but read on for some more reasons why invitees may not respond.

WHY SOME GUESTS DON’T FOLLOW RSVP ETIQUETTE

As mentioned above, it’s not a good feeling when you invite someone to your wedding and don’t even receive a “no” from them. It takes a lot of work (and money) to design, order, stuff, and send invitations. When someone receives one, they should at least take the time to RSVP, right?

There are some reasons why people may not RSVP, that have nothing to do with your wedding, and everything to do with them. 

The full list of reasons guests don’t follow RSVP etiquette: 

• They simply forgot. Maybe they got busy, put the invite down, and never responded.
• They never received the invitation. Perhaps they moved? It got lost in the mail? It happens.
• They thought their partner replied. Or, just assumed it was taken care of.
• They can’t come, and think that if they don’t reply, you’ll take that as a “no”. We all know this type of thinking is flawed, but still, some people use this logic.
• They would love to come, but need time to figure out the logistics. This could include childcare, travel arrangements, or taking time off work. There are lots of things that can get in someone’s way of attending a wedding they really want to be at.
• They got confused about what an RSVP is. Maybe they didn’t even know they had an action to take? Perhaps they didn’t look that clearly at the instructions you provided.
• They are assuming that you know they are coming, and don’t think they need to formally reply with an RSVP. Yes, this happened with both of my siblings when I got married. Even though we had a plated dinner, and I wanted to confirm what they wanted to eat, neither of them sent me back an RSVP.

There’s a moral to this story. If you don’t receive back an RSVP from someone, don’t take it personally. The reason probably falls into the ones above.

WHY YOU SHOULD REACH OUT TO GUESTS WHO HAVEN’T RSVP’D YET

Okay, so, what should you do when you don’t receive back an RSVP? Well, I recommend reaching out to those who are missing a response, and simply asking them if they are coming.

If you do this, most of the time they will be able to tell you a definitive yes or no confirmation. In some cases, they may need more time. But they will tell you this. You can let them know the deadline for confirmation, and if they miss it, you’ll know for sure that they won’t attend your wedding. At least if you reach out, you’ll have the chance to really firm up your guest list.

HOW TO REACH OUT TO GUESTS

Look, it doesn’t have to be complicated to ask someone if they are coming to your wedding.

You could start with a simple call, text, email, or direct message. Send it off with something like “Hi, we sent you a wedding invitation a few weeks ago and haven’t heard back. Will you be able to make it?”. Keep it short, simple, and to the point. Based on their response, you can move the conversation on.

OTHER THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT RSVP ETIQUETTE

This little section is really just all my other tips when it comes to RSVP’s, and things to expect or mitigate.

SOME GUESTS WILL RSVP “YES” AND STILL WON’T SHOW UP

Yes, it is possible for 100% of your guests who RSVP “yes” to come to your wedding. It happened at my wedding. However, it’s much more likely that you will have some who say they will come, and then flake at the last moment. They may have good reasons, or they may not give a reason at all.

Here’s how to deal with it:

• If you find out before your wedding that someone can’t come, take it with grace. When they tell you, let them know it’s okay, and you can celebrate another time with them.
• If someone texts, calls, or emails you on your wedding day to tell you that they can’t come, don’t let it get you down. Depending on the person, I recommend not responding. Or, ask another person to get back to them. I personally find that reaching out to people on their wedding days with bad news is very rude. You don’t owe them a response on your day.
• If a guest doesn’t show up, but doesn’t tell you at all, re-evaluate your relationship with them after your wedding. If you are close, reach out to them. Ask them what happened. If you aren’t that close, you can probably wait for them to reach out to you. In either case, they may have forgotten about the day, or had some other understandable reason for not coming and not telling anyone.

SOME GUESTS WILL SHOW UP AFTER NOT RSVP’ING AT ALL

Now, this tends to only happen if you don’t reach out to people who you haven’t heard from when you send out invitations. If you reach out, you’ll find out if they can come or not. If you don’t, you run the risk that they will just show up.

As a general rule of thumb, caterers usually plan on a few extra meals at weddings, just in case. And, venues may be able to accommodate people who come, by setting up an extra table, and just making it work.

If someone shows up unexpectedly to your wedding, treat them with grace and kindness. Tell them that you’re glad they are there, if you have the opportunity. Later on, after the wedding, you may get the chance to talk to them about RSVP etiquette.

MORE RSVP ETIQUETTE TIPS

Here are more tips when it comes to sending invitations and getting back those RSVP’s, just to make life easier.

• Don’t have your RSVP deadline be right before your wedding. Give yourself a few weeks of buffer time to reach out to people, firm up the headcount, and properly prepare.
• Track all your RSVP responses on your wedding website or spreadsheet. I found that electronic tracking was very helpful for me.
• Put a little number on the back of all your RSVP cards, and keep track of which number went to which people. Some people forget to write their names on the cards, and you’ll have no idea who is coming (or not), if you don’t create a system ahead of time.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Alright friends. Hopefully you’re now fully prepared to send, and receive RSVP’s to your potential wedding guests. Remember, try not to take responses (or lack thereof) personally. There are plenty of reasons an invitee hasn’t responded, and they don’t have anything to do with you. Reach out to anyone who misses your RSVP deadline, and treat everyone with kindness and grace no matter the situation. Happy wedding planning! 

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