What I’ve Learned After Five Years Of Marriage

What I’ve learned after five years of marriage.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, five years is not a long time for a couple to be married. It is, however, enough time for a lot of events to happen. And, it’s longer than we were together before marriage. Five years is a milestone, no matter how you look at it. After five years of marriage, I want to share some of my takeaways.

Though I don’t normally blog about personal stuff, this post will get a little close to home. How could it not? Marriage isn’t always easy. It’s not all fun Instagram photos and what you assume is happening behind the scenes. Marriage is hard work. It requires commitment. Having a successful marriage isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about growing and learning, constantly.

What I’ve Learned After 5 Years Of Marriage

Back to what I’ve learned after five years of marriage. These are my opinions, and no one else’s. Yes, I did consult with my husband before writing this post. And, he had some comments about what he’s learned after five years of marriage. Luckily, his comments mostly coincided with mine, so we’ll just combine them here. He won’t mind.

Let’s get into it.

MARRIAGE REALLY DID CHANGE THINGS

I was with my spouse for almost four years before we got married.

During that time we experienced a lot together. We traveled. We lived together. And, we moved together. We worked on projects, and challenged each other. My spouse was there for me during some dark times. He was even in the room when my father passed away.

Because of all this, I didn’t think that marriage would really change anything.

Well, I was wrong about that.

After five years of marriage, I have learned that marriage does impact the dynamic of your relationship. You and your partner are truly just that – partners. You start to start to rely on each other, both financially and to make major life decisions. Because of this, when you don’t agree on life decisions, it’s easy to become divided.

Prior to getting married I wasn’t too concerned with where my partner wanted to live. I didn’t ask him how many kids he wanted. We weren’t talking about what to do with our shared income. As married people, these topics come up all the time. And the stakes are much higher when we’re not aligned now that we’re married.

STARTING A FAMILY WAS SUPER CHALLENGING BUT BROUGHT US CLOSER

Not every married couple has a child join their family, but we did, so I’ll share about it.

Honestly, it was both stressful and incredible when I gave birth to our son and brought him home. On one hand, it was a huge experience to share with my spouse. I was thankful to have him there with me during the middle-of-the-night feedings, the stress of putting stuff together, and trying to navigate day-to-day life with a newborn. I’m not going to lie, though. It was incredibly difficult integrating our son into our life, at first. The fact that my husband was there with me made it a lot easier.

However.

We were tired. Our house was a mess. Simple tasks like taking a shower seemed impossible. We had our moments. Moments I’m not proud of. I snapped a few times at my husband, and he snapped, too. We took out our frustrations on each other when things got rough. And, eventually, when things got easier, we had to find ways to support the other as we returned to “normal life” with a baby in tow.

In short, I’ve learned that leaning on my partner during difficult times is crucial. And, if I ask for help, I’ll get it from him. At times, having a newborn made it feel like our marriage was breaking, but once we made it through the chaos, we’re stronger because of that experience.

SHARING A KID TOGETHER MADE OUR MARRIAGE MORE COMPLICATED

While we’re on the topic of adding a baby into a marriage, let’s talk about what I’ve learned about raising a kid with my spouse.

Look, the baby part is short term. You will sleep again. You will shower again. Things will feel more in control, eventually. However, there is a growing child that you and your spouse need to raise together. And, I’ve learned after five years of marriage that sometimes our philosophies on parenthood are different. It’s something that we need to navigate together, as it’s not just about us anymore.

For example, in the last few years my husband and I have had to get on the same page regarding school, day care, sugary snacks, and screen time, to name a few. We’ve also had to deal with being parents during a pandemic (more on that later).

All of this to say is that having a child has made us even more integrated as partners. I’ve learned that it’s forced us to listen to each other. Instead of brushing off my husband’s point of view, I need to take it seriously. Especially when the wellbeing of my child is concerned.

Beyond parenting philosophies, having a child together meant that we needed to communicate and rely on each other. Both my husband and I work full time. We have hobbies. We have friends. Our son doesn’t fit into those things easily. So, we communicate our needs to each other, and strategize how we can support the other’s plans. It’s not always easy, but we end up allowing the other to be more than just a parent in the process.

WORLD EVENTS BROUGHT US CLOSER (MOSTLY)

I’ve learned, after five years of marriage, that world events can influence our relationship.

Of course, the biggest world event that I experienced with my husband in the last five years was the pandemic. It was crazy. We went from spending just Sundays together to spending every single day at home, all day, for months. All that time together, plus fitting in working from home, and taking care of a one-year-old was rough. We had to rely on each other to navigate the new challenges, and find new joy.

I have to say, it was actually good for our relationship. Not only did I appreciate my husband in my life, but we also had fun. Our options were limited, but we worked out together. We went on walks. Take-out food was exciting, as was binging shows like Tiger King. We made the start of the pandemic work, and it was wonderful in it’s own weird way.

The pandemic was just one example of how world events influenced our relationship, but it was a major one. I can absolutely see how the pandemic could ruin marriages, or showcase issues that could have been hidden previously. And while the pandemic would have impacted our relationship if we weren’t married, the fact that we were solidified meant we needed to be a team during it. It caused us to grow, and be nimble, together.

MARRIAGE GETS HARD, AT TIMES

When I got married, I thought things would be great all the time.

Of course, I was wrong.

The first year of marriage was very easy. I got pregnant, but we didn’t have our son yet. We traveled. We went out to dinner. It was awesome. We already lived together before getting married, so it’s not like that was a big change for us. I figured that the following years would be just as easy.

Things aren’t always easy. As I mentioned above, events like having a child can get in the way of your happiness. My husband and I often get stressed out, and we have cycles that we go through that are less than ideal sometimes. There have been disagreements about what we want for our future, and doubts.

Still, despite some rough patches, we power through. We communicate, and work together to move forward. For us, compromising sometimes helps. So does just letting something go. It’s hard to set aside egos and our own agendas, but as a married couple, we make it happen in for our mutual best interest.

MARRIAGE ISN’T ALWAYS 50/50

That last segment was a great segway into this.

I’ve learned after five years of marriage that things aren’t always going to be even. Sometimes I give more than my husband. Sometimes he gives more. Often, the seesaw can be tilted in one way or the other for weeks, or even months. This could pertain to things like housework, childcare, or taking care of all the “adulting” tasks. Sometimes it’s about just being a loving partner and pouring effort into making the other one feel appreciated.

As a married couple, we have to watch out for the other’s wellbeing. And, we have to factor in the other’s needs when we make plans and include each other in daily life. This may mean that my husband plans an outing for just him and our son on a Sunday so I can rest, alone. Or, I take on a bit more childcare so my husband can focus on a busy season at work.

For us, it’s not about keeping score. It’s about speaking up about our needs, and being willing to step up when the other needs us to.

ROUTINES ARE INEVITABLE

I don’t know about you, but I can be a creature of habit.

When my husband and I were dating, there wasn’t much of a routine. We hung out when we wanted. We traveled as we could. It was fun, it was free. We didn’t have the same pressures of taking care of a kid and an elderly cat, while also paying the bills and planning for retirement.

These days, we have a routine. Yes, in some ways, it can be boring. And, it can sometimes make us feel like we’re in a rut. We know exactly how weeks are going to go. What days our son goes to childcare. The days that my husband will be home for dinner. The evenings that I’m able to spend time with friends. There isn’t a lot of variation to the routine that we’ve created.

While in some ways routines can be comforting, in other ways they can be less-than-fulfilling. This is why, after five years of marriage, I’ve learned that we need to be intentional about mixing up our routines. It’s not easy, but we do it. For example, we go on day trips. We almost always have a vacation planned. There is often something for us to look forward to that is different and exciting. We also encourage each other to try new things, and be open to change.

Knowing that we’re in a routine, and being willing to break it sometimes, helps keep things fresh and interesting.

YOU MARRY THE FAMILY, NOT JUST THE PERSON

Oh boy. I’m going to approach this one delicately.

Before I was married, I didn’t really think much about how I was going to inherit more than just my partner. He was coming with a family. And, so was I. As two people who are fairly close to our families, and see them a lot, this can create some interesting moments.

After five years of marriage, I’ve learned that you marry the family, not just the person. And while certain drama or excitement may come our way from the other person’s original family, we have to be intentional about how we deal with it. In short, it’s best if I deal with issues from my side, and he deals with issues from his side. It’s not worth overstepping those boundaries, even if we are married.

DATING YOUR SPOUSE IS IMPORTANT

As I’ve mentioned in this post, when my partner and I first started dating we, um, dated.

What do I mean by this? Well, we went out. We enjoyed going to restaurants. Sometimes we did day trips. We looked for ways to connect outside our normal everyday lives. It was fun, and it was great for our relationship (obviously, because we ended up getting married!).

These days, dating is more difficult to do. However, I’ve learned after five years of marriage that dating is essential for us. Date nights are a key part of our happiness. And, they don’t have to be fancy. In fact, we often have date night at home, because it’s hard for us to get a babysitter.

My husband and I know that certain evenings are about each other. We intentionally plan to spend time together after our son has gone to bed. Often it involves a movie, wine, and conversation. The point is, we make the evening about ourselves. I look forward to the times that I get to connect with my husband and count on his focus on me.

Now, of course, sometimes we do get to go out to dinner and day trips and all of that, kid-free. When we do so, we put our phones away. We chat. And, we appreciate that we get to spend this extra time with each other.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Friends, I hope this post on what I’ve learned after five years of marriage was somewhat interesting for you. Honestly, the longer I’m married, the more I realize I don’t know about marriage. It’s fun to keep learning, though. Most of the time, I think my marriage a pretty good one. My spouse is truly my partner, and we look for opportunities to use the “bad” times as ways to grow and become closer. I think that’s all we can do while we navigate life together, right? Appreciate the good times, and learn from the bad. Talk to you all soon.